Hanging on and holding out

"Peace. It doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

(author unknown)

So, it's been quite a while since I had a cyber heart to heart. I guess, I just haven't much felt like spewing out the junk going on in my head and in our home, but for some reason tonight I'm feeling led to share.

Life has been pretty challenging since the new year. Maybe I shouldn't have declared it the year to strive for peace. I say that tongue in cheek. I want to have peace in my heart even when things are tough, so I will name it, claim it, and God willing I will attain it. Some would think that maybe the new baby was the cause of things orbiting out of control, but I really don't think so. Sure, she has added to the work load and makes me less available at times, but she also brings a lot of joy. Truth be told, we really hadn't adjusted to our new schedule of therapies, activities, etc. before she was born.

Pauly was going along pretty well, and we were seeing steady improvements. In the words of our social worker, "We had stabilized." He goes to school in the morning and comes home just after lunch. We then work together in the afternoon on subjects like math and religion. I'm happy with the progress academically. He has occupational therapy every Monday. A family therapist comes to the house twice a week to work one on one with not only Pauly but the girls as well. She does a lot of educating about autism, and helps Paul and I implement strategies and make our goals a reality. I have been humbled. She has seen the good, bad, and the ugly. But, like I said, we had stabilized; emphasis on the had.

Olivia started having emotional issues and started to really struggle coping with not only daily life, but with her academics as well. Olivia was diagnosed with ADHD in March. She was also diagnosed with adjustment disorder and oppositional defiant disorder. I know what most of you are thinking, but trust me when I say I have complete peace with the diagnosis. My only concern is how much her lack of concentration is due to the anxiety versus ADHD. We are currently working with a child psychiatrist and with the family therapist to help her, and I am confident she will be OK.

Unfortunately, her mood and resistance has greatly affected Pauly. Although he couldn't articulate it, Olivia is his best buddy. He craves her attention, and her unwillingness to give it took it's toll on him, and he began to regress. His aggression has increased. It had been a long time since I've had to put him in a hold, but I am having to do it again which is getting increasingly difficult as his size and strength have increased. We are working with the same child psychiatrist with him as well, and of course this is a huge part of what we work on with the family therapist. I am hopeful that he too will again stabilize and start progressing.

Paul and I are clinging to our faith and each other. Some of this is so far from what I thought being a mother would be like. I figured I would have kids get mad at me and dislike my rules, but I never thought I would be a punching bag. It's just not a good feeling in my motherly heart, but I am hopeful, and I am going to press on with confidence that the Lord will provide. We just need to hang on and hold out and trust that God has a plan and none of this will go unmerited. We would appreciate your prayers.

"Patient endurance of the cross is the highest work."

St. Katherine Drexel