Remembering what could have been and what was

Sweet Child

No, I did not touch you, but I felt you
No, I did not see you, but I envisioned you
No, we did not talk, but I heard you
No, I did not know you, but I loved you

You shall not hear the pitter patter of my tiny feet
Nor hear my cried in the middle of the night
You shall not hear me say Momma or Daddy
Nor feel my arms hold you tight

You shall no see my beautiful smile
Nor hear my funny little laugh
You shall not watch me grow
Or lead me down the right path

But know that Jesus holds me until I can be with you again
For I am your sweet child, your little angel in Heaven
(Amy McLaughlin)

7 years ago we were expecting our 4th child; I think I was maybe  7 weeks or so along. Pauly was not quite 1, and we thought we were ready to expand our family. We were excited and our hearts were filled with joy at the idea of a buddy for Pauly. I was experiencing no complications, but on June 2nd I began to bleed. I remember how sunny, beautiful, and warm it was that day as I went about my business, and then my heart sank at the thought that we were losing this little one. One of my worse fears was being realized, and there was nothing I could do about it. Little did I know how many times I would go through this.

The following day, my dr. confirmed that indeed our little one had died. I remember laying looking at the monitor and seeing our baby but no heart beat and then sitting with him as he gave me my options. He recommended a d&c, but I had this horrible though that what if by some chance he was wrong. I looked him dead on and asked him for his honest personal opinion, and he told me, "your baby is gone."

7 years ago today, I had the d&c. I still remember that sinking awful feeling getting prepped, and then walking down the same hallway leading to the OR were I should be delivering the baby not discarding it. The staff was so kind and gentle with us, but the bottom line in my heart was that I went in with a baby and left without one. I came home and went to bed and just cried. I didn't understand how this was God's will. Why take away something so sacred to me?

So, today I am remembering what could have been and what was. I am remembering our little angel Taylor who was born to Heaven. Please pray for your family little one; we all need your prayers. Someday, we will join you and enjoy God's splendor together. Until then, I love you and thank you for fulfilling your purpose, you brought your mommy closer to God. Your life had value; we are thankful for you.

"No matter how long your unborn child nestled beneath your heart,

it's brief life was no less important than one whose span is measured in years,

and the pain of your loss in no less real."

Author unknown