Feeling the weight of it...

Today marks 2 weeks, and I am really feeling the weight of Paul's death. I'm sad, angry, frustrated... I am honored to be able to walk this journey of grief with Kristina and the kids, but I just hate it and have to keep reminding myself that it is true. At times it hits me, this is not a movie or family I am counseling. This is my sister in Christ who's heart has been shredded. This is no short term thing that I can just speak a quick truth and make her feel better. I feel so selfish to talk about my feelings when I know the enormity for Kristina and the kids, and yet I know I am grieving too. I am in a whole new world of being a wife and mother to my own family while trying to in some small way ease the pain and help another family, desperately trying to provide some kind of stability. It is only by God's grace that I am finding the wisdom to know when to be quiet and just listen or the words to say when needed and the energy to balance two families. I am at such a loss. Kristina was the one I always went to when I needed truth to be spoken to me, when I was overwhelmed and needed a friend. We were never both down at the same time. I know the Lord wants Him to be enough for me, and He wants me to go to Him for my truth and inspiration, and yet I can hardly find the words to say to Him. Why did this have to be the way to get our attention? I have so many questions,fears and thoughts now. I know the Lord has a plan and He loves us, but this doesn't feel like love.Thank you all so much for your prayers for Kristina and her family; keep them coming. Despite what she thinks, she is enduring this time of trial with amazing courage and strength. I am witnessing God's grace and mercies as well as an enormous amount of anguish. Last night I was able to get Kristina to leave the house. We visited the cemetery and then went to adoration. Just too intense and painful to even find the words to describe. Please, please pray for them especially Kristina. She has such a tough road ahead as the reality and finality of it all continues to set in. And please pray for me that I have the wisdom, courage, strength and compassion to walk along side her and the kids. Please pray that I might be able to fight the fear of "what's next?" - "who's next?"